Appearances Can Be Deceptive
by JestaAriadne
Summary: So, what if Tifa had tried Rinoa's dubious flirting techniques?


Appearances Can Be Deceptive

or

The Flaws Inherent in Rinoa's Flirting Techniques

by JestaAriadne 30th December 2002 - 11:30pm

What if Tifa tried flirting like Rinoa? (Just the teeeeeeensiest bit AU...) Oh yeah, I don't own FF7 or 8. I was thinking vaguely about putting this in crossovers, but it's really rooted in the VII world, just with quite a bit of borrowing from that Balamb ball. :D

[Nibelhelm Mansion. Evening. A ball. All the newly appointed 1st class SOLDIERS are celebrating along with pretty much every other member of the organization and half of Nibelhelm who came along for the booze. A striking young man with long silver hair and a scar across his face (he sleepwalked into his sword) is standing moodily in a corner, nursing a glass of champagne.]

SEPHIROTH: .........

[A girl of about sixteen with long brown hair winks at him and approaches.]

TIFA: You're the best looking guy here.

SEPHIROTH: .......

TIFA: Dance with me?

SEPHIROTH: ........ (I have far better ways to engage my evil brain.)

TIFA: Oh, you'll only dance with someone you like?

SEPHIROTH: I don't dance. (I plan world domination. I spend an average of 4 hours per day on hair-care. I eat fangirls for breakfast. But I don't dance.)

TIFA: (undeterred) OK, let's try this. [waves hand inanely in front of Sephiroth's face.] You-will-like-me. You-will-like-me... Did it work?

SEPHIROTH: ......

[TIFA drags him out onto the dance floor where he proceeds to make a complete idiot of himself for fifteen seconds or so, then her radiant smile inspires him and he suddenly realises he knows how to dance!! Wow!! He's even enjoying it! However, after a bit, TIFA apparently disappears into thin air, leaving SEPHIROTH alone in the middle of the room.]

SEPHIROTH: ...Where'd she go....?

[A minute later he is standing on a balcony looking wistfully out at the stars (probably a shooting star or something out there for a promise that was never made, let alone kept....)]

SEPHIROTH: ....Who was she...?

SEPHIROTH'S STUNNINGLY ATTRACTIVE BLONDE WEAPONS TRAINER: (appearing behind him): Someone special, Seph?

SEPHIROTH: I don't care about anyone or anything. So there.

SSABWR: Erm... okay. [Walks off]

SEPHIROTH: Everyone sucks except me. Hmph.

[Later that night. Sephiroth's room at the Inn.]

SEPHIROTH (waking up from a particularly erotic dream): AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! I'm in LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Must. Find. Girl. Must. Find. Girl. ...................

[After this revelation, there begins a period of serious obsession. SEPHIROTH eventually finds TIFA in the company of Stupid Young Man Apparently Wearing a Chocobo on his Head.]

CLOUD: What are you doing here??

SEPHIROTH: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What are YOU doing here? That's my girl there! Muahaha!

CLOUD: Get away from Tifa!

SEPHIROTH: Tifa..... come to me, my love!

TIFA: Erm...

CLOUD: You know this guy?

TIFA: Erm... I don't...think...so!

SEPHIROTH: Oh, you wound me! Do you not remember that dance, my darling? No? Well, never mind, you're coming with me!

[SEPHIROTH does his Magic-Cloud-Controlling thing to prevent him from getting in the way, and promptly kidnaps TIFA.]

TIFA: HEY! GET OFF ME!!! CLOOOOOOOUD HELP!!!!!!! [Punches SEPHIROTH.]

[SEPHIROTH snaps his fingers and cords appear from nowhere to tie TIFA up. Oops, that's Harry Potter.... never mind...]

CLOUD: Oh no. What do I do? Tifa's gone. [He thinks. It takes some time and effort clearly.] Oh well, it'll keep Sephiroth off my back for a while. And I've still got Aeris.

AERIS: What, you're not going to go rescue Tifa?

CLOUD: Er, no.... How about you and I just go and live together in everlasting bliss?

AERIS: You disloyal !^&£%%ing scumbag!!! How about NOT? [leaves.]

CLOUD: Oh. That didn't work. Hey.... Yuffie....?

YUFFIE: Not likely, spike-head. [sticks tongue out at him and runs off to Vincent and they live happily-ever-after.]

[Meanwhile, TIFA does not live happily-ever-after, not enjoying the rest of her life at Masanume-point one bit. For that matter, neither does SEPHIROTH, as he finds her most disagreeable and uninclined to serve as his concubine/slave for all eternity and possessing an annoying tendency to try to poison his food on all possible occasions.]

So. Ladies and gentlemen: the moral of the story: Don't judge by appearances, it could get you involved with some decidedly evil characters, and as you can see, no one ends up happy.

YUFFIE: Except me!!

VINCENT: Yeah, but you have chronic happy syndrome.

YUFFIE: Eeeeee! [eats some more sugar] I love you Vincent!

VINCENT: Hey, I love you too.

Oh, OK.... That is... See how a wonderful, loving, open relationship can develop WITHOUT the need for excessive flirting and FMVs? Yuffie and Vincent, I salute you!

THE END

A/N: Ooooookeeeeyyy... don't worry if you feel you have no idea what could possibly be happening in my brain.... in fact, I'd be quite worried if you did. 

Anyway, the basic idea behind this is that I've just started FF8 (yes, I'm THAT behind the times - hey I did finish 7!!!!!!!) and was a little dubious with the whole "you're the best looking guy here" thing... I thought I'd demonstrate just how wrong this sort of thing can go. Be careful with strange and stunning guys at parties, girls! Oh, and I don't mean to bash any characters in particular, just giving all of them a healthy shaking up. Teehee. Written one (late) night in I'm not sure how many minutes.


End file.
